i think i have two assholes
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
