Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
