Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
