Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
