Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
