I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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