I faked an abortion last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
