Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got inside last night via doggy door
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
