i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
