The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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