I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
