That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
