I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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