I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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