i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
