Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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