So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
