i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I cannot find my penis.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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