She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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