she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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