You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
