I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
