she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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