defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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