How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
