don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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