that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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