Got a toothbrush?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
