if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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