woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
