I seem to have left my pride at pride
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
