I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
