Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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