barbara walters just said penis...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
