I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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