We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I did not marry a roomba.
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