How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Operation Purity has been aborted
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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