A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
