My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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