i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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