her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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