i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
