Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Randomize
