ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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