So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
