Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
