Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sorry about my life...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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