I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Watching her eat just hurts me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Alive.
So much puke
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
