some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
