my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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