My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
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I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
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You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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