I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i love accidental penises.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
