At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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