didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
