The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
